Nurse Fail

I LOVE my career. I am totally passionate about being a critical care (ICU) nurse. I cannot picture myself doing anything else. There is no higher level of medical care than an ICU. People come there to either be saved, or to go see Jesus. I see people at their worst. On the worst days of their lives. They are filled with many emotions when I meet them. Fear, anxiety, anger, grief, denial, extreme pain, hope, and sometimes, relief. You would think as an introvert and empath that I could not pick a worse career. Critical care nurses are all type A personalities, we thrive off adrenaline, we are epijunkies (Adrenalin is the other drug name of Epinephrine or "epi" as we call it, hence my moniker), we are OCD, anal, pushy at times, bossy at times, in your face, extroverts. Surprisingly, all of these personality traits fit me at work. Maybe that's why I am an introvert at home, because I need down time from my super stressful, fast-paced, cortisol filled days. An an empath though, my days can be challenging. I essentially feel the pain, grief, anxiety, fear of my patients. Maybe that's what makes me good at my job. I give my patient's and their families 100% when I'm at work. My compassion is nearly boundless (nearly). Unfortunately, that leaves nothing over. Hence, my tendency to hibernate and recharge on my days off. Balance in my life (work and home) is a necessity. Yesterday was a hard shift. I have learned that I can't work nights and can't work 3 (or more) shifts in a row for my own sanity and health. Unfortunately, sometimes I have to work 3 in a row. These third days are excessively difficult for me as I am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted after giving everything for the past 2 days. I walked in yesterday to two patients in 10/10 pain. People react differently to pain. It causes them to say and do things they normally wouldn't. I'm used to dealing with this, but hatefulness can be difficult to handle some days. All day I tried and tried to get both of my patient's pain relief. Usually ICU nurses tend to approach problems but just dealing with it. We are not "needy" and do not page MDs for "stupid shit." That is seen as a floor nurse trait. I realize that sounds derogatory, but I do respect floor nurses. I cannot do their job. I am a TERRIBLE floor nurse. It is not for me. That's OK. I am exceedingly grateful for people who are able to do floor nursing, because it means I don't have to. Unfortunately, I had two overflow patients (patients who have orders to go to the "floor"- main medical/ surgical units, but have not been assigned a bed yet) yesterday. Not my forte. There's a standing joke in ICU that if you're well enough to use your call light, you don't need to be in the ICU. Partially true. I struggle taking care of these people because they tend to be needy. I lack patience. I have great compassion, but little patience. A quality I constantly have to work harder to obtain. Some days, I just fail and revert to sarcasm and cynicism. I really did try to take the best care possible of these patients though. I was "needy." AKA I constantly was paging their MDs to attempt to get them relief. At the end of the day, I felt completely defeated. I left my shift with both of my patients still in 10/10 pain. I strive to be an advocate for my patients and their families. I do my very best. But, yesterday I lost this battle. My day ended with a family member asking for something stupid, micromanaging me, and being hateful. I did not handle it well. I was rude. I refused to call a MD for stupid shit. I hid from my patient's family, I avoided walking by my patient's rooms. I cried. I felt gutted. I came home and ate M&Ms and peanut butter for dinner. Don't judge me. I analyzed and over analyzed everything. I felt like a failure. I failed as a nurse for the day. Sorry to my patients. I wish they knew just how much I feel their pain and how utterly sorry I am. Some days are like this. Fortunately, not all the time. I know it sounds like I should do something else, but I truly LOVE what I do. Bad days are bad days. People suffer. People die. I make mistakes. I am human. Sometimes, I handle situations badly. Sometimes I am rude. Sometimes I use dark humor and it ends up being inappropriate. Why keep doing this, you may ask?! Because the one patient who's touched by my care, the one who I am able to comfort, the one thanks, the one grateful family or patient, the one who is "saved", the one who passes away peacefully and with some dignity, they, they make ALL of the bad days worth it. At the end of the day, I still adore my job. I feel deeply grateful I get to do it. It's an honor and a privilege. Luckily, I have 6 days off to remind me that I love my job.